Elderly Spa Time

I’m old and tired which means it is time for elderly person spa time!

Elderly spa time is when I take cheapo drugstore spa products and use them to buff my ancient physicality into something that might appear youthful. If, you are blind.

Wooohooo!  My hoyer lift is ready!

Abrasives by Aveeno.

I start first by  using some sort of rough material to scrape the outermost layer of antiquity from my body.  I could use sandpaper but because of a potential for blood loss I use a fancy exfoliant. Most exfoliants have tons of micro-abrasives that are horrible for the environment. Avoid those. I like to use Aveeno skincare products because they are cheap and don’t smell too horrible.  Their positively nourishing smoothing body wash has brown rice and nut shells which is allegedly better for the environment. I guess the skin underneath is younger.

TJmaxx and Ahava

After I have removed my outer husk, I need to moisturize the skin underneath. I like to apply an Ahava butter salt so that I smell good and feel soft to the touch. Ahava isn’t cheap but you can usually find it at TJmaxx. AVOID ALL OTHER SPA PRODUCTS AT TJMAXX. This is probably the only thing I ever splurge on.

Smell Like Cake

If I’m hungry, I will use Palmer’s Coco Butter formula from Kinney drugs because it smells like cake. Chocolate, if you were wondering. It is also perfect if you are elderly because the ingredients listed in large print are actually the ingredients listed in small print. Just don’t eat yourself. 

I am old.

 

Desperate Scousewives

Due to the inclement weather, my body and my couch have merged. In order to prevent death by extreme boredom and because I can’t physically move away from my television, I have started watching really awful British reality tv shows like Desperate Scousewives. Scousewives is like Jersey Shore but set in Liverpool, England! Such fun! What could go wrong? Actually, quite a bit. The show is awful and the people are just completely unlikable but that is ok because I don’t understand a thing anyone says. They speak “Scouse,” which is the regional accident that is usually incomprehensible. I lived in Brum for six months and I can’t understand it.

Everything is shiny. I’m a raccoon and I really like how the scouse cinamatography makes what I imagine is a really depressing place look all glowy and blingy. It is like the director of photography got drunk and did this show to pay off gambling debts.

“Do you wanna look like a wall or do you wanna look like a scouser?”

I’ll take a wall, thanks.

When it rains do you melt? Most of the women, and a few of the men are covered in so much make I imagine that anytime it rains they all look like the end of an Indian Jones movie.

None of them have any money.

They are sadly all quite poor. I have read newspaper articles that stated the cast made around 20lbs a day and have faced threats and physical violence due to their appearance on the show. That is awful, more awful than the show or even this blog post.

 

 

 

That Time I Made Pudding Pops

Jello Pudding Pops, Y’all

I’m old and poor which means I can’t indulge in the pleasures of shopping at high end retailers. You know, like Target or Kmart.   Instead, I must pass my time  walking very slowly in my local supermarket, enjoying the splendor of a Vermont food desert in winter. Charming. On my last trip, I decided to bite the big one and buy the Jello Pudding Pop kit I have been drooling over for at least a month. I’m not kidding.

 

Pudding Pop Kit

The kit includes a plastic pudding pop mold, plastic pudding pop holders and four boxes of instant pudding. It is actually a pretty good deal if you like pudding. So, I’m totally a winner.

Pudding Pop Recipe

The pudding pop kit does not come with instructions of any kind which is confusing but also an opportunity to experiment. It is actually so easy that you don’t need instructions. You just make the instant pudding according to the instructions on the box and pour it into the mold. Place the mold in the freezer and you are done.

I’m sleepy, can you tell?

I am old and ate cheese

My super hot friend Baroness Rinny von Hottenberg turned 23 for the first time this weekend and her mother asked me to make her an amazing dinner. We had steak which was ok but the real highlight of the evening from was the cheese.

Oh, yes.

Their local food cooperative is close to rural/terrifying Vermont where America’s favorite classist institution of higher education is located along with some amazing cheese makers. After a lot of amazing cheese gazing we settled on some garlic cheese from Grafton Village and Bailey Hazen Blue from Jasper Hill.

Fatness.

If you don’t like blue cheeses you should give Bailey Hazen a whirl because it is very mild and not very bleu-cheezy. Oh yes. And you will love it.

I’m tired. Will one of you make me coffee?

StufZ Burger Review

I’m old and miserable. That should come as no surprise to the two bots who read this blog. The other weekend my gorgeous friend and I decided to experiment with the StufZ Burger Press. It was fun.

I had this amazing delusion that the StufZ Burger Press would allow me to turn ground beef into an amazing vessel for culinary wonder and delight. I was nominally correct.

StufZ Burger Press Review

 

My goal was to take what I learned in the fancy online Harvard food science (that I failed) and apply it to stuffing ground beef full of flavor.

StufZ Burger Press Recipes

Kraft Dinner Stuffed Burger

I made mac and cheeze from a box and put it into the burger. I was hoping it would be amazing and a canadian delicacy worthy of publication in Canada’s most popular food blogs. It was not.

Tater Tot Burger

What would happen if I stuffed a burger full of cheese and tater tots? The answer is deliciousness. Do this and do it often and you will be very happy. Also, probably fat.

Inside Burger 

I thought it would be fun to deconstruct the burger and take everything that you would normally put on top of the burger and use the StufZ Burger Press to put it inside. Yum! This burger was actually pretty awesome. Next time I’d add more relish to the StufZ Burger Press recipe.

Brie & Onions

This StufZ Burger Press was pure class. Caramelized onions and generic brie were pretty fantastic in this StufZ Burger Press recipe.  Yum.com

 

StufZ Burger Press Tips

Ok. Our first attempt at using the StufZ Burger Press was a huge failure comparable to the launch of Crystal Pepsi. I would highly recommend watching a video on youtube on how to use the StufZ Burger Press because it isn’t as easy as it might seem. I would also recommend using low fat ground beef because otherwise you will have a grease disaster on your hands.

TL:DR: StufZ Burger Press is pretty awesome but watch an instructional video before you use it and use low fat ground beef.

Don’t Touch My Cheese!

I’m old, irritable and lactose intolerant but I love fancy cheese. Fancy cheese is also the backbone of the economy where I live and killing the gourmet cheese market would destroy the economy of northern New England. A few years ago the price for wholesale milk collapsed in New England and to survive many small farms turned to producing artisan cheese to stay alive because they could sell cheese for a lot more money than milk. Now that the FDA has decided to go all nuts on cheese producers using wooden boards for aging we are in a whole lot of trouble.

Why you should care about artisan cheese!

Many artisan cheese producers are located in blue states or in regions of swing states that typically elect democrats.

Artisan cheese production is pretty much the only reason small farms exist in New England.

I enjoy  Velveeta but savor the cheese made by my neighbors.

The death of artisan cheese means the death of small farms which means small farms turn into housing developments. No.

I’m trolling the cheese making department of a small Vermont college I perceive as toxic and classist. If artisan cheese goes away,  I won’t be able to do that. 

I said so.

 

 



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