Don’t Touch My Cheese!

I’m old, irritable and lactose intolerant but I love fancy cheese. Fancy cheese is also the backbone of the economy where I live and killing the gourmet cheese market would destroy the economy of northern New England. A few years ago the price for wholesale milk collapsed in New England and to survive many small farms turned to producing artisan cheese to stay alive because they could sell cheese for a lot more money than milk. Now that the FDA has decided to go all nuts on cheese producers using wooden boards for aging we are in a whole lot of trouble.

Why you should care about artisan cheese!

Many artisan cheese producers are located in blue states or in regions of swing states that typically elect democrats.

Artisan cheese production is pretty much the only reason small farms exist in New England.

I enjoy  Velveeta but savor the cheese made by my neighbors.

The death of artisan cheese means the death of small farms which means small farms turn into housing developments. No.

I’m trolling the cheese making department of a small Vermont college I perceive as toxic and classist. If artisan cheese goes away,  I won’t be able to do that. 

I said so.



Curry Cheese Toast

I’m old and bitter. It is possible that I  met Escoffier himself on my 10,000th birthday. Maybe.


Because, I’m old, I love me some cheese toast. Yum!

Episco Cheese Toast Delight

Pieces of Bread

Generic processed cheese.

Yellow curry powder

Smoked salt



Apply your favorite generic processed cheese food product to your wonderbread style carbs and toast to your liking. Sprinkle on some yellow curry powder and follow with a little bit of smoked salt.





I started salting my coffee because I’m awesome

Salt in your coffee! Gross, right? WRONG!!!




I started salting my coffee after failing my Harvard food science class. The salt does a better job of masking the bitterness of coffee while actually enhancing the flavor you are supposed to be able to taste.  The key is to add salt a little at a time so that you don’t end up drinking java flavored dead sea water. I usually do just a few grinds of sea salt but my salt grinder. It will surprise you how amazing it tastes.

Eating Spruce: Not Again

Ugh. I really, really wanted to be as epic as Rene Redzepi and use spruce as a flavoring in some sort of amazing hyperlocal dish but my stomach hates it.

Like, really, really detests eating spruce.

*curls up into a ball and begs for death*

Basically, foraging is awesome but just remember that just because you can forage for it doesn’t mean you should actually eat it.



I ate stuff in Vermont

I visited some beautiful people who live adjacent to Lake Champlain and we ate a lot of food. This was nice. Here are the highlights that don’t include my food poisoning or the cold duck.

Shelburne Vineyard

I had two whites from their store in Shelburne, VT. Great stuff and their building is visually stunning.

Fiddlehead Brewing Company

I sample their IPA and enjoyed it.

Foodie Downers

It is possible that after spending a lot of time schmoozing with the owner of a restaurant in Hinesburg about social media that my duck was cold and microwaved.

It is also possible that the gastronomic distress I experienced later on that night was a result of eating at the restaurant. Ugh.

I’m bored and I ate sushi

I’m bored. The kind of bored that gnaws at your from the center and causes your cells to self destruct one by one.

I want out to eat with my friend Mikey before seeing a horrible film. I had sushi. It was good.

Exciting. Can you tell?

I am going to fancy non-incest, non-heroin addicted Vermont this weekend and plan on experiencing the wonderful upper-middle class food experiences of the Champlain Valley.

Wish me luck.

Cheese making, again

In my previous attempt to learn how to make cheese I ran up against some of the classism that makes Vermont such a wonderful place to live and work. My request for information was ignored until they read about me insulting them on this blog and then it was responded in an inappropriate and condescending manner. Life goes on and other Vermont institution lost out on an awesome opportunity.

However, it looks like the Vermont Institute College has their own cheese making program that may be less upper middle class fantasies and more about education.

Here is the press release.

Here are the actual course listings. It would also appear that they feature classes in craft brewing and mushroom foraging. Fun!