Continuing the theme of how I’m using fitness to overcome my existence as a 70s pollution cliche I think you should follow Aadam ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ (@physiqonomics) on Instagram. Aadam is super funny, smart, and you should go and sign up for his website. He’s happy to tell it like it is and I agree with him a lot even though he doesn’t like goat cheese.
I’m a horrible person and because of that, I like to look my best. In order to mitigate some of my horribleness, I started watching abdominal workout videos on youtube. The idea is that if I workout and do something healthy I may become a nicer person. It hasn’t worked but my abs look great. Through my desire to not ruin my shoulders while doing pushups I found this guy named Corey Hall who has some really great workouts.
I do this workout pretty much daily and I highly recommend it. Corey is fun and with enough work, you will have a body as hot as his.
I’m old and tired which means it is time for elderly person spa time!
Elderly spa time is when I take cheapo drugstore spa products and use them to buff my ancient physicality into something that might appear youthful. If, you are blind.
Wooohooo! My hoyer lift is ready!
Abrasives by Aveeno.
I start first by using some sort of rough material to scrape the outermost layer of antiquity from my body. I could use sandpaper but because of a potential for blood loss I use a fancy exfoliant. Most exfoliants have tons of micro-abrasives that are horrible for the environment. Avoid those. I like to use Aveeno skincare products because they are cheap and don’t smell too horrible. Their positively nourishing smoothing body wash has brown rice and nut shells which is allegedly better for the environment. I guess the skin underneath is younger.
TJmaxx and Ahava
After I have removed my outer husk, I need to moisturize the skin underneath. I like to apply an Ahava butter salt so that I smell good and feel soft to the touch. Ahava isn’t cheap but you can usually find it at TJmaxx. AVOID ALL OTHER SPA PRODUCTS AT TJMAXX. This is probably the only thing I ever splurge on.
Smell Like Cake
If I’m hungry, I will use Palmer’s Coco Butter formula from Kinney drugs because it smells like cake. Chocolate, if you were wondering. It is also perfect if you are elderly because the ingredients listed in large print are actually the ingredients listed in small print. Just don’t eat yourself.
Due to the inclement weather, my body and my couch have merged. In order to prevent death by extreme boredom and because I can’t physically move away from my television, I have started watching really awful British reality tv shows like Desperate Scousewives. Scousewives is like Jersey Shore but set in Liverpool, England! Such fun! What could go wrong? Actually, quite a bit. The show is awful and the people are just completely unlikable but that is ok because I don’t understand a thing anyone says. They speak “Scouse,” which is the regional accident that is usually incomprehensible. I lived in Brum for six months and I can’t understand it.
Everything is shiny. I’m a raccoon and I really like how the scouse cinamatography makes what I imagine is a really depressing place look all glowy and blingy. It is like the director of photography got drunk and did this show to pay off gambling debts.
“Do you wanna look like a wall or do you wanna look like a scouser?”
I’ll take a wall, thanks.
When it rains do you melt? Most of the women, and a few of the men are covered in so much make I imagine that anytime it rains they all look like the end of an Indian Jones movie.
None of them have any money.
They are sadly all quite poor. I have read newspaper articles that stated the cast made around 20lbs a day and have faced threats and physical violence due to their appearance on the show. That is awful, more awful than the show or even this blog post.
I’m old and poor which means I can’t indulge in the pleasures of shopping at high end retailers. You know, like Target or Kmart. Instead, I must pass my time walking very slowly in my local supermarket, enjoying the splendor of a Vermont food desert in winter. Charming. On my last trip, I decided to bite the big one and buy the Jello Pudding Pop kit I have been drooling over for at least a month. I’m not kidding.
Pudding Pop Kit
The kit includes a plastic pudding pop mold, plastic pudding pop holders and four boxes of instant pudding. It is actually a pretty good deal if you like pudding. So, I’m totally a winner.
Pudding Pop Recipe
The pudding pop kit does not come with instructions of any kind which is confusing but also an opportunity to experiment. It is actually so easy that you don’t need instructions. You just make the instant pudding according to the instructions on the box and pour it into the mold. Place the mold in the freezer and you are done.