I can’t handle the majority of photographer who receive laudatory comments in the press or on social media. In particular, I hate street photographers, they are the worst. In the guise of art, they travel the world spending large amounts of money to document people looking poor on the street.
That is an oversimplification but I still dislike street photography.
I’m old and tired. I now work in a hotel. This is nicer than working in human services because people smell better and are a lot less likely to physically harm me.
Here are some tips:
I’m totally judging you but I don’t care. You probably care more than I do.
Complain about something or the price and I’m going to listen but not going to do anything for you.
If you are nice I will upgrade your room. If you aren’t, “we are full.”
Join the rewards club. We will bend over backwards to help you.
Poor Bethenny, she’s tired. She was on that show where people sit around and talk with that smarmy Andy Cohen and it was just awful. AWFUL! She’s not funny anymore.
I can’t even.
I’m old and tired which means it is time for elderly person spa time!
Elderly spa time is when I take cheapo drugstore spa products and use them to buff my ancient physicality into something that might appear youthful. If, you are blind.
Wooohooo! My hoyer lift is ready!
Abrasives by Aveeno.
I start first by using some sort of rough material to scrape the outermost layer of antiquity from my body. I could use sandpaper but because of a potential for blood loss I use a fancy exfoliant. Most exfoliants have tons of micro-abrasives that are horrible for the environment. Avoid those. I like to use Aveeno skincare products because they are cheap and don’t smell too horrible. Their positively nourishing smoothing body wash has brown rice and nut shells which is allegedly better for the environment. I guess the skin underneath is younger.
TJmaxx and Ahava
After I have removed my outer husk, I need to moisturize the skin underneath. I like to apply an Ahava butter salt so that I smell good and feel soft to the touch. Ahava isn’t cheap but you can usually find it at TJmaxx. AVOID ALL OTHER SPA PRODUCTS AT TJMAXX. This is probably the only thing I ever splurge on.
Smell Like Cake
If I’m hungry, I will use Palmer’s Coco Butter formula from Kinney drugs because it smells like cake. Chocolate, if you were wondering. It is also perfect if you are elderly because the ingredients listed in large print are actually the ingredients listed in small print. Just don’t eat yourself.
I am old.
I’m super embarrassed by how much I like Dr. Oetker instant chocolate mousse.
Due to the inclement weather, my body and my couch have merged. In order to prevent death by extreme boredom and because I can’t physically move away from my television, I have started watching really awful British reality tv shows like Desperate Scousewives. Scousewives is like Jersey Shore but set in Liverpool, England! Such fun! What could go wrong? Actually, quite a bit. The show is awful and the people are just completely unlikable but that is ok because I don’t understand a thing anyone says. They speak “Scouse,” which is the regional accident that is usually incomprehensible. I lived in Brum for six months and I can’t understand it.
Everything is shiny. I’m a raccoon and I really like how the scouse cinamatography makes what I imagine is a really depressing place look all glowy and blingy. It is like the director of photography got drunk and did this show to pay off gambling debts.
“Do you wanna look like a wall or do you wanna look like a scouser?”
I’ll take a wall, thanks.
When it rains do you melt? Most of the women, and a few of the men are covered in so much make I imagine that anytime it rains they all look like the end of an Indian Jones movie.
None of them have any money.
They are sadly all quite poor. I have read newspaper articles that stated the cast made around 20lbs a day and have faced threats and physical violence due to their appearance on the show. That is awful, more awful than the show or even this blog post.
I’m classy and from New Hampshire which means a lot of wonderful things. On Saturday, I had a wonderful meal in a barn. You should be jealous.
Jello Pudding Pops, Y’all
I’m old and poor which means I can’t indulge in the pleasures of shopping at high end retailers. You know, like Target or Kmart. Instead, I must pass my time walking very slowly in my local supermarket, enjoying the splendor of a Vermont food desert in winter. Charming. On my last trip, I decided to bite the big one and buy the Jello Pudding Pop kit I have been drooling over for at least a month. I’m not kidding.
Pudding Pop Kit
The kit includes a plastic pudding pop mold, plastic pudding pop holders and four boxes of instant pudding. It is actually a pretty good deal if you like pudding. So, I’m totally a winner.
Pudding Pop Recipe
The pudding pop kit does not come with instructions of any kind which is confusing but also an opportunity to experiment. It is actually so easy that you don’t need instructions. You just make the instant pudding according to the instructions on the box and pour it into the mold. Place the mold in the freezer and you are done.
I’m sleepy, can you tell?
I bought crackers from Hannaford.
Can you handle it?
My super hot friend Baroness Rinny von Hottenberg turned 23 for the first time this weekend and her mother asked me to make her an amazing dinner. We had steak which was ok but the real highlight of the evening from was the cheese.
Their local food cooperative is close to rural/terrifying Vermont where America’s favorite classist institution of higher education is located along with some amazing cheese makers. After a lot of amazing cheese gazing we settled on some garlic cheese from Grafton Village and Bailey Hazen Blue from Jasper Hill.
If you don’t like blue cheeses you should give Bailey Hazen a whirl because it is very mild and not very bleu-cheezy. Oh yes. And you will love it.
I’m tired. Will one of you make me coffee?